Hold on, be Strong...

I am proud of myself..I think?

I went to a gathering at a friend's house and saw (former) BoaZ for the first time in a good while. It was very strange. Strange because I felt his presence before I even saw him. Here I am thinking 'I'm woman, hear me roar' and soon as this nigra comes in the room...I'm stuck like chuck. He makes his rounds to say hello and as he gets to me, I'm not sure of what to say so I don't say anything. I didn't realize until like 5 minutes later that I didn't actually say anything, but I felt justified because it was a generic group 'hello' vs a 'hey, how are you doing'. Needless to say, I felt awkward the rest of the night. It was as if there was this tension in the room and I didn't know how to handle it. I wanted to talk to him but didn't want to be out there or seem pressed. *note: no one who was at the gathering knows of our interactions to my knowledge except like one person, but in my mind I felt that any real interaction would have caused some looks- I know it was in my head, but that's how I think*

Night goes on, still no communication. No words, no eye locks, nothing. I'm perplexed because I'm like is it just me feeling this awkwardness or does he feel the same? Gathering ends, I go home, I still feel awkward. For some reason I felt the need to clear the air...I often do. I send a text that basically said that I wished we'd had a chance to speak earlier and want to catch up soon. Almost immediately my phone rings. It's him. I'm totally caught off guard because it was late and I had no expectation of him calling me back, but he did. We end up doing a song and dance around why we didn't speak earlier (he was devastated..yeah right), why we haven't talked to each other in a while, etc. Then he starts going into 'discovery mode' asking about my guy. *sigh* I'm so used to being coy, I kinda forgot about my current status. (see below) I didn't forget too long because when he wanted to continue the conversation in person..I declined. He was surprised. I think I even surprised myself with my refusal.

I ain't goin lie though. Deep down I miss him and want/wanted to see him but I can't go down that road again. I cannot allow myself to get wrapped up in someone who can't get wrapped up in me and is not willing to do anything that's not on his terms. I refuse to be his option. Not to mention the fact that I'm involved with someone who is willing to make me his priority. Today, I went to church and the message was 'Expecting God's Best' and how often God tests us spiritually, emotionally, and physically. So after hearing this sermon I begin to think about how I should expect God's best for me and not settle for anything less. Maybe last night was my test...I hope I passed and that His best is in store for me.