Ready for the Responsibility?

No, this is not a post about being ready for the responsibility of having a child...

So I've been 'dating' a certain someone for a year now. It has been an interesting year. People say that you often learn about yourself from the people you end up in relationships with. I can now say that I truly understand what is meant by this. Many things that I have criticized him about, some said to him and most internalized, I realize are things that I struggle with. One of these things is the ability to express emotions. I have never really been able to come out and tell a guy how I feel- guess I never really had to when I think back because most of the time the guy was expressing himself to me. But with RW, it's been a different experience that has been frustrating at times. It's also a double standard because I want him to verbally express certain things that I know I'm incapable of expressing..that is unless I hear certain things first. To borrow from Lauryn..who do I have to be? To gain some reciprocity? I think when Lauryn was singing that, she'd probably already put herself on the line..I haven't so I guess I have no right to quote her huh?

One thing he has been trying to teach me is that you can express yourself without saying anything but instead through actions. I have also recently finished reading the book 'The 5 Love Languages' by Gary Chapman and according to Mr Chapman, RW's primary love language is physical touch (get your mind out the gutter) and quality time. Mine is definitely words of affirmation...yep, you guessed it- I like to hear stuff. Go figure. Back to my frustration. It's been a year and up until recently, we hadn't acknowledged the fact that we were 'together'. The actions were there but we'd never titled it. I had been against the title concept mainly because I feel like I'm too old to call someone my boyfriend, but as I think about it, I don't think I was ready for the responsibility. The funny thing is though, I wanted to hear confirmation that I was his chick..forget the fact that he'd done nothing to prove that I wasn't and everything to prove that I was, but I still needed to hear it. Yet, I was still scared.

Think about it. When someone is your boyfriend, everything changes. You are making a decision to cut off all potential options, and in my mind finally letting go of my 'Boaz'. My bestest said that she didn't think I was ready to completely let Boaz go and that I was still holding back from RW. I did not share her belief, but the more I think about it...maybe? Not only do I have to finally let Boaz go, I no longer have the 'he wasn't my man' excuse to fall back on in case things didn't work out. Not having the title gave me my own personal loop hole and defense mechanism.

So finally, RW says that he's glad we're 'together' and I am happy but nervous all at the same time. Am I really ready? I was speaking to a friend of mine about how I was bothered because he wouldn't tell me the things that I thought I was ready to hear. She provided me with her words of wisdom and questioned whether or not I was ready for that responsibility. Cause when a man falls, and admits that he has fallen, us females have to be ready for all that comes with that. Whew! That's a lot to take in. I'm already experiencing anxiety over his 'together' comment. I have to be all in from here on out, no more being coy when someone asks if I have a man.

Here goes nothing. :)