Next day comes, I have a massive headache cause I didn't sleep and still thinking about what has transpired. Of course all horrible thoughts come to my mind..is this the end? what now? etc, etc. Thing is, I get his response. I knew that he didn't misunderstand what I said. Background: He's the psych major, HR type..he doesn't try to change your mind but let's you make your own decisions. I hate that ish but I understand why he's that way. Mention my situation to a few folk, get advice. "Cool off first, then talk" "Write a letter, don't send" All of this is advice I normally give. I talk to LMc who adds a new spin: "don't wait for him to call cause you're angry..don't let him control your anger, you'll end up madder cause he doesn't behave the way you want"...I take all of the above. I go back to my room, have a glass of wine, eat, workout, shower, do some work, write an email to him that I didn't send...all in efforts to get my mind right.
So yeah I've done all necessary things in order to 'get my mind right'. I call. He answers. We chit chat about our day, how was the interview, what are you doing, who's winning the game..blah, blah. Small talk, but I'm warming up. Can't come in swinging and I'm trying to be civil. ;)
So...what did you think I was referring to when I sent the 'bridge to nowhere' text? "our relationship" Interesting, why would you respond that way then? (This is the part of the convo where I pretty much knew what he was going to say..but still wanted to hear, just to confirm) He says that since I keep saying stuff like this, maybe I'm right. He doesn't feel that way, but can't convince me otherwise. I think I was stuck on the fact that he feels I 'keep' saying stuff like this which I don't think is true, but I can't change his perception. I'll revisit that later.
I think back to what I wrote in my unsent email so I can clearly articulate what's on my mind. I first want to straighten out the job location confusion. That site didn't reach out to him, blah, blah. Now that I'm clear on that, time to take it up a notch. So...did I miss something, thought you were trying to move to Atlanta. He says that this is still his goal, but hasn't had any opportunities present themselves to him and doesn't want to miss out on a good job just because it's not where he 'wants' it. I get it..but where does this leave us? He doesn't understand the correlation. (Sometimes I think men are stupid) We are not in the same city now, but it works out so why would that change. This is his response. Hmm, the difference is we are driving distance now, can be spontaneous and I don't understand the purpose of continuing if there's no 'end' in sight. This may seem harsh, but that's honestly how I feel. We've been dating for a year and so far it has worked, but I never thought this would be a permanent situation. Frankly, I was scared to get into this long distance trap, but fell before I could catch my balance. Him initiating the convo about moving to Atlanta had given me some sense of comfort..but now I felt he was talking nonsense.
He compares his job hunt to my previous experience. He thinks that I should understand sacrifices. I do, but don't think my experience parallels his. I wasn't in a relationship at the time, I was able to choose the location...it's not like I was 'sacrificing'. I wanted to move to Atlanta. I know it's not always that easy, but like I said he's the one who filled my head with this crap.
I ask him what he wants, how do I fit in? He says that he doesn't have any complaints, he wants to be with me and doesn't know how else to prove he's committed to 'us' or what else to do so that I won't be unsure. He says I need to think about what will make me happy and do something about it...basically get with the program or move on, be happy with him or leave if I think that'll make me happier. He didn't say it as bluntly but I felt where he was coming from. Ultimately it is I, not he, who can control my happiness.
So now I'm confused all over again. It's like I can let it ride for a bit longer and see where this goes or I can cut my losses. Honestly I think it's easier to say cut my losses now, but I'd feel like I'm quitting. The reality is, he hasn't been offered another job (the one he interviewed with fell through) and who knows what will happen. So is it really fair for me to expect the worst prematurely? Maybe things will be better than I think or maybe they'll be worse, but how will I know if I don't at least try? I still think he's great, he still makes me smile, I make him smile...so am I tripping?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
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6 comments:
Unfortunately as women we dont have the "go with the flow" gene that men seem to have mastered. To him, things are fine now so keep it moving. To us, we need to worry about the future and protecting our feelings so we want to know for sure up front if everything is everything. Been there, understand the situation completely. I've personally just let it go. Ride the wave. HE has a plan and there's nothing we can do about it. So lets enjoy our boo love and 20's while they exist. you have to tell yourself (and believe it)that this is where you belong and that there are no other options and the doubts and little worries just seem to float away. And after all, if it doesnt work out, which you'll never hear me say again, you will know that you gave it your all, had great times with a great guy, and learned more about yourself. so DONT QUIT....
To quote Lauryn Hill..(she used to speak the truth, what happened?) "if it could all be so simple"..This is easier said than done, but I will continue to put my best foot forward.
*Ringing the alarm @ anonymous* I beg to differ..i think the "go with the flow" gene is attributed to the individual, not the gender. Although our motives may be different (protecting feelings[chix] v. wasting time/ego trippin'[dudes]), a planner is a planner regardless of gender.
Adrienne, this situation can be interpreted a number of ways, however the answer boils to one simple fact: y'all are on different wavelengths. For instance, a) Long distance is a much bigger deal to you than it is to him. Whereas, you are thinking of the downstream impact of being further apart. For him, its just a plane ticket vs. a mini-road trip. "To you its a Bentley, but to me, its a blue car". or b) He's not as devoted to this relationship AT THIS POINT as you are. The fact that he brought up an idea and then acted completely contrary to it is an indicator. Clearly, its not deep enough for him to sacrifice other opportunities to be where he wants to be. I mean, he said it. It is what it is. Unfortunately, you bought into it and are now stuck w/ a bogus product, no receipt. or maybe he sees the other opps as a means to an end, that end being atlanta but only time will tell and c) "i'm the planner, he's not" Take it from me, this is something you will have to learn to adjust to if you plan to stay. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. I feel you, you're one of those who believes that people should do what they say they are going to do. You would love to take someone for their word and look up x days, and they've done what they said they would do. In your over-thinking mind, you have already envisioned what steps b, c, and d will look like if they do what they say they are going to do (ESPECIALLY if they proposed it.) And then, BOOM. Reality = People who aren't planners don't do that, period. The world is flat to them and the sky is green. So, realizing that, you have to learn to adjust how you field their remarks (that is, if you choose to stay). Train yourself not to build expectations based on their remarks, because there's a chance they won't be met. Dont be a asshole and be pessimistic, support them in their pursuit, but most importantly KEEP DOING YOU. Make your plans and integrate them where it makes sense. Otherwise, you will develop an ulcer by 30 b/c your plan or what you thought he was going to do is not coming into fruition.
Contrary to the previous commenter, I'm not going to tell you to lie to yourself. At this stage in the relationship, its important that you be very clear and REAL with yourself about what you see. See it, interpret, internalize, and make a decision of whether you can manage. Do not ignore this shit! By all means, give it your all but dont blind yourself. At this stage in our lives, we need to be making sound decisions based on sound information/data and reality. Not some damn self created epiphany. Divorce is expensive. Otherwise, you will look up and 5 years of your life is wasted on...a dreeeeeam, a simple faaaaaaaaaaantaaaaasy.
ok....what. In response to b. staten. Sounds like none of your relationships have worked out. you came down like a dark cloud. That type of advice will keep everyone around you single and depressed right along with you. No one is saying lie to yourself. By all means keep it real. I'm saying let the situation play out. you make a big deal about it, and A) he ends up in the A, but doesnt want to be bothered with your crazy ass cause you over react and dont trust him. or B) he changes his whole plan because this thing with you is more trouble than it's worth. The relationship is still fairly new and still has a chance to become something beautiful, so dont end it for yourself just yet. Sometimes in relationships we get so scared and worried about the future and how things should happen that we end things prematurely. and then you look back a few years later like damn i f-ed my own ish up. So just because the road is a little bumpy doesnt mean jump ship. I just dont think it's time to charge it to the game yet. When he finds and accepts a position then you can toy with the either i'm in or out idea.
actually, they haven't... but i could see why you would say that. i think my response was pretty neutral.
i would agree..overreaction is definitely not whats up and will have adverse effects. I'm simply stating that she should take note of all of the facts/indicators and assess from there.
"tell yourself (and believe it)that this is where you belong and that there are no other options and the doubts and little worries just seem to float away" doesn't sound like "keep it real".
Adrienne, forgive me if my msg had a pessimistic undertone, that wasn't my intent. By all means, any relationship of substance requires tenacity, patience, and perseverance...however, I'm an avid believer that should there should be a balance between heart and mind.
Anonymous, I appreciate the response..
Ok - so i'm almost afraid to weigh in and I find myself getting more caught up in the comments already left than the overall post :) I have a couple thoughts and keep in mind i tend to play devil's advocate:
1. women tend to plan more than men, when it comes to relationships - we want to know where it's going, when it will get there, and whether he's along for the ride - i say this because i've been there and i'm a woman :) so i agree with anonymous on that point. we have more societal pressures to find a mate than a man does that coupled with the fact that sex is usually involved and we fear being stereotyped as a 'hoe' if we're sexin someone without intent...leads to needing to PLAN what THIS is we're getting in to. Plus we're just more emotional, so the planning is to ensure we arent hurt
2. If you're already questioning whether its worth it, maybe YOU have doubts and didn't even NEED him to comment - i think your initial view of LD relationships is coming in to play here. I agree with the if it aint broke dont fix it mentatlity - ask yourself what made you question his intent in the first place and why a state (or a couple of states) would make a difference if you are in it for HIM anyway?
3. My mom tells me that until a man is your husband, he owes you nothing (and even then some of them dont feel they owe you anything lol). RW is clearly getting himself together. I would think you would want him to get his career in order as opposed to moving to ATL, with no job, and have to depend on you to survive lol
4. Do not sign someone up for expectations they didn't agree to. you can't expect him to act a certain way or say something JUST because its how you would act. He is an individual and will act how he wants to. What you need to decide is if you will ACCEPT his actions
I think the only person that can answer what your next steps should be is YOU - not RW, not anonymous, not b.staten, not me. What do you want? Prior to this issue, what was wrong with your relationship? Where do you see you and RW going? Make sure you KNOW what you want and discuss that with him before you get upset and accuse him of not giving you what it is you want (hope that makes sense). Communication is important - state your intentions, no holding back, ask the same of him and see if you all are in synch. If not, cut your losses - people don't change unless they want to so you can't think staying will make him change his mind.
I think i've said all i have to say :)
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