Ever since my brother passed, I think I'm afraid of the dark. By dark, I not only mean night but death. I'm also scared of the phone ringing and it being someone from home. I'm scared that the person on the other end is going to have bad news. The day my brother passed..he died during the night in his sleep, my mother called me at 8:05am with the news.
I love my father. Really I do. I'm not your typical daddy's girl, but I love my daddy to pieces. I get a kick listening to him give me his advice, since he knows all, or him calling me at the most random times to fill me in on all the happenings, or laughing at him when he tries to whisper..yet anyone listening can hear. So lately I've been having crazy thoughts and bad feelings and it's been messing with me. Ever since my brother passed, I realized that death is real and you never know when it will come.
I was with RW this weekend and had a great time. I was able to push all crazy thoughts to the back of my mind. On the way back from TN, my phone rings but I didn't hear it. I randomly pick up my phone and see that my niece called me. Red flag because my niece doesn't call me..she texts me. When I found out she was pregnant, it was via text. So I of course assume the worst and don't call back. Most would have called back to see what was wrong..but I couldn't make myself do it. I figured if it was important, then she'd leave a message or I'd get a phone call from someone else. I didn't.
Today I'm talking to my mother as I drive into work and she tells me the funniest story. Funny in a not so ha, ha kind of way. Long story short...A friend of my father's comes by my parents house to see my father. He'd heard the news of his death and wanted to see for himself. My father isn't home, but my mother is totally confused. Someone had told somebody that my father died and it's spreading like wild fire. Where I'm from, my father is kinda a big deal..people know him. He's been there all his life and everyone knows him by his nickname, not even by his first. My grandmother hears the story, she's freaking out. His ex-wife's has heard the story and everyone is calling to find out if it's true or not. My niece was calling me to ask what the deal was. My mom said that my dad had to go make random appearances to put out the fire. I guess someone with the same or similar nickname's obituary was in the paper, and since people don't really read and/or don't know his 'real' name..they're confused. Like I said kinda funny, kinda not.
Anyway...maybe this is why I've been having all of these crazy dreams and such. I know that I can't live in fear though (I should quote a scripture right here but one isn't coming to me..this is why I need to study the Bible more). I can only pray that the Lord will keep my family close to Him.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
K, we are so on the same wavelength with this one. I fear death - not my own so much, because I don't tend to think about that - but the death of those around that are near and dear to me. My father is older, 72, and I wonder what the hell I would do without him. 2 of his siblings have passed in the last 5 years, his sister as recent as Christmas Day last year. I wonder how I would handle hearing a family member or a friend has passed. I'm not strong by any means (IMO), but my mother tells me that she feels I would be the one to hold it together and get everything done in the face of tragedy. I don't want to find out...
I know we won't live forever, I know death is inevitable, so I make sure that I am at peace with everyone I come in contact with, greet and leave them with a smile. Always tell the people I love that I love them, never go to bed mad, never hold grudges, and pary to God that he will protect my family and friends at all times and ask that when he does call them Home, he will protect them and watch over me. That's all you can do..
Interesting...as I have pondered on this concept for some time now. As a matter of fact, I received a call two weeks ago and when my mom says, "I have bad news," I just want to take my ear away from the phone because I knew she was going to tell me someone had passed and I was right. It was my cousin.
Though he was a much older man, I can't grasp the concept of living without him. It just doesn't seem real. Even though it is our fate, some people you just can't imagine being without. So I think about the holidays.....and I think about the one thing that I have to come to terms with....CHANGE.
So lately it has started to consume me. I know it is not healthy, but as I get older I start to think about the inevitable and it scares me. As drea said, I don't have a hard time grasping with my own mortality, but of those around me. I have a hard time dealing with death. It's just a reality that we are all going to have to deal with as brutle as that sounds.
I just ask for STRENGTH and COMFORT for you during this time. For we love our family and friends....GOD loves us more. Keep the memory of your brother in your heart, for he will always live there. With time and peace, healing will come.
Here's a scripture for you Tootsie & friends:
2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
I think most people share a common ground in that we fear death of loved ones. I read a quote that stood out to me, "Don't place a comma, where God put a period." This was profound for me because it explains God's will. I figure life will throw us some hard blows, but God sees all, knows all, and has total power to allow a situation to occur. Thus, even though life promises tribulation and difficult times, we can trust God to give us peace and understanding. Its a process, we face trials from which we gain understanding, from understanding we gain hope/increased fatih. I know this is a stretch from the original posting, but it was on my heart to share.
Post a Comment