Letting go of Boaz...

A while back I spoke to a friend about finding my Boaz and laying at his feet and telling her to go after her Boaz. She asked me what I was referring to and I told her about the Story of Ruth and Naomi found in the book of Ruth. In summary, Ruth is widowed and goes to work in Boaz' field. He takes notice of her and Naomi, her stepmother who is also widowed, tells Ruth to 'lay at his feet', thus letting Boaz know she was interested to be married to him. In telling her the story, I was jokingly telling her to lay at her male friend's feet and make herself available. Bible scholars will probably say that my interpretation was very loose.

At the time, I thought I knew who my Boaz was. We had recently reconnected after a couple of years of not talking to each other. In my mind, this man was the end all, be all. He was attractive to me and looked great on paper. He had always 'done it' for me, even when we were in school. This time around however, I was getting to know him differently in his grown manness and was turned on even more by his relationship with God. In the past, I've always had someone to fall back on or talk to but was going through a period of aloneness. I really thought that him coming back into my life was a sign from God. So I felt like it was time to 'lay at his feet' so to speak and ease up my guard and be more available to him. It's funny how you see sometimes what you want to see.

Things have not exactly worked out between me and my 'Boaz' but I still think of him from time to time and wonder if I should've put forth more effort....so today, my friend sends me this note regarding the relationship and her feelings and attempts to free herself from her 'Boaz'.

The problem is that I know I shouldn't involve myself with you physically, but then my carnality jumps in and my emotions take over.

For you, it's just a fun ride. For me, it's an emotional rollercoaster. I guess this is a reflection on me.

I teach children the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I keep sharing myself with you, taking myself through emotional rides, and dreaming of more from you, but constantly getting the same behavior pattern from you, it's insanity on my part.

It's not words that are proven, but actions. A man's actions tell you exactly how he feels about you and even how much they respect you.

It amazes me how an educated and accomplished woman, like myself, can be exposed to the same type of behavior, and not recognize it for what it is.

Time to stop expecting more from you than you desire to give me. Sadly enough, I know what it feels like when a man respects me and desires to be with me. There are plenty of laughs, phone calls, check-ups, dates, planning times to see each other, he never wants me to leave when I visit, takes me around his friends/family, trys to make me happy, and so much more. But still, I want to ride an emotional rollercoaster with you. The person that doesn't respect me, or care about me. The person that has no emotional ties to me. The person that I can't have, becuase he doesn't desire me.

I must be insane, for I know what it feels like when a man is in to me. I even know that unconditional love feels like, but I allow myself to be exposed to less than what I've already experienced. I must be insane to have a day of high emotions, only to feel weeks of pain. I guess you make me crazy.

She could not have written this note any better. When I read her words, it touched me because it made me realize how sometimes even when we know better...we do things according to what we want His will to be. This is something that I will have to continue to pray about because I struggle with figuring out the difference between what I want and what He wants for me. Just another reminder that I think I should finally let go of 'my Boaz' and make room for the Boaz that God has for me.